The harder I try to remember the harder it is to accept that the memories will only come in their own time. Unfortunately, it is often at the most inopportune times and causes the emotional roller coaster to go out of control. The fact is, sometimes the emotions that come boiling out at other people have very little to do with what they have said or done but are over-reactions based on a triggered memory. That is when I have to sit back and think "Where is this coming from?" For the only way to change those reactions is to face what is causing them and allow myself to write it out. It is through writing the crap out I am able to release the past, change myself and grow. And boy do I want to grow!
For most of my life I reacted and did not care why or desire to change. However, since having a stroke and coming face to face with the fact that I could die any day, I decided I want to stop pretending to be what other people wanted and liked and learn who I was. Just want to be me and be the best possible me I can before I go. If that means dredging up the past to change then that is what I must do, for myself!
I hear people say all the time "Just let it go and forget" but I did that most of my life and it did not work then. I still over reacted. I still suffered anxiety. I still had so many fears and no ideas where they came from. Most of all I did not change anything. I just pretended. I won't pretend any more for anyone! Especially to protect the ones who did the crap to me or put me through crap.
I love my family dearly but it is time for the secrets to be faced.
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