The Festering Secret!

This is probably the hardest blog I have written, so far. It will be about an incident of Sexual abuse that I have rarely shared, one that is barely acknowledged by anyone I know and one that has never been fully faced or discussed ( although I tried). Need to say right off the bat - "I am very afraid of the consequences of writing this". However, it has been a secret kept too long and I need to get it out!

First off, there has been a long history of sexual abuse in my family background. It is not my place to share details of the events that occurred to others. I have written about some events from my childhood before. This particular event happened when I was around 13 years old.

My mother and father were separated and my mother was dating. On this particular night she had gone out drinking. It was quite late when she returned, with a guy. However, I was still awake and decided to wish her good night. So, I knocked on her bedroom door and she said "Come in". Not really thinking I did enter her bedroom. Much to my surprise their was a "man" in bed with her. Quickly, I said "I just wanted to say Good night" and turned to leave. To which my mom replied, "Aren't you going to give me a hug and kiss?" I turned back and looked at her with a questioning expression and she said "It's Okay, No need to be afraid".

If only I had just walked out, things would have wound up much differently. Instead, I went over to the bed, bent down and kissed and hugged my mom. As I went to stand up the "man" reached over, grabbed my arm and said, "What about me, sweetie?" I looked at mom and she just smiled back. I could smell the alcohol on their breathes but he wouldn't let go of my arm, so I bent over a little and he pulled me into the bed.

Now what I remember next is like a bad dream because I sent my mind off to the corner I usually sent it too when things went really wrong. I remember him undressing me and my mom just lying there next to us. I remember him on top of me and the smell of the alcohol being so strong. I remember praying my mom would do something, anything to stop it but she just laid there stroking his back and allowing him to do whatever he wanted. I remember him kissing my mom while having sex with me and me just lying there waiting for it to be over!

When he roiled off of me, I quickly got out of the bed, left the bedroom and went to my room. I don't remember crying, all I remember is feeling so lost and angry at myself!

I remember shortly after this my mom stopped drinking for good. She is still sober!

I still blame myself! After all, I was old enough to know better, strong enough to fight and stupid enough to enter the room in the first place! I have talked with my mom about this. I never get anywhere, I am always left feeling lost and sad. I am not sure if she even "really" remembers it, perhaps she blacked it out! I have never got an honest apology, instead getting only excuses.

It does leave me feeling lost still. The pain is still great and the forgiveness for myself is not there. Mostly, I think it has seriously effected my inner ability to trust anyone.

It took me over a week to finish writing this.

Sexual Abuse In My Life

There are many instances of sexual abuse in my life. Starting at age 4 or 5 and continuing until age 25. This has been a difficult journey for me. It skewed my view of love and relationships to the point where I just gave up on ever forming a relationship with anyone! Even friendship with others has been effected. I think it is impossible for me to form a friendship with men.

Yes, I know many others have gone through similar things and just bottle it up, shove it down and think they have overcome it. They are just fooling themselves! The kind of emotional turmoil and mental problems caused by sexual abuse are often not even recognized by those who do not wish to deal with it in their past. Keep it bottled up long enough and it will start to cause physical health problems!

I've been sexually abused by family, friends, a husband and strangers. I will not be specific or name perpetrators on a public website. I have even abused a family member:(
I have tried over the last 25 years, since I started remembering, to talk to many of the people who sexually abused me. Some have passed away and I never got the chance to. I can tell you I have found little hope or satisfaction from this. No apologies have ever been forthcoming, just excuses. I understand some of the excuses; but, I apologized to the person I abused. They even said I didn't need too because they understood, somewhat. However, I still apologize.

I will willing share with those who ask in private. Those who I know care! I shared part of my story with one person only to have them try to tell Suzy they went through the same thing. I feel they were lying! It has happened in the past when I shared that someone else has claimed my life experience to be theirs and then turned out to be a lie. I think others who claim to have gone through it but show no emotions or effects have either shut down or are lying. This type of sexual abuse history is bound to leave a mark on someone, even if they are good at hiding it!

The sexual abuse in my life is only part of my story and only contributes to part of my "problems". I do suffer from Mental illnesses, they run rampant in my family history, part genetic, part learned behaviours. I am honest about everything and resent the fact that others say I am not!

Even given all I have gone through with in life, I know I am a much better and stronger person than some!