I constantly feel afraid, I don't even know if that is the right word. It's not that I think something will happen, in specific, it's that my heart races, I get short of breath and sometimes I feel trapped. Mostly this happens when I am alone or late at night. I guess anxiety is a better definition.

As far as I remember, nothing traumatic happened to me at night. Of course, I know that being alone allowed many events to occur; but, I know deep in my soul there is no need to fear. I trust God! However, the physical feelings do not abate. I try deep breathing, I try writing, I try rationalizing and I pray but nothing helps.

I do know this:
While I was growing up most of the fights my parents had were at night, while I was suppose to be sleeping and I heard and witnessed many. My father beat my mom during some of these fights. One time breaking her cheek bone.
I have had nightmares both while growing up and even recently. Most never come true but some have.

I battle these feeling whenever I write, whenever I have to leave my house, whenever I talk on the phone and whenever I exchange emails or messages with anyone,. Mostly, I battle them, big time, whenever I interact with males!

Sometimes the feelings overwhelm me to a point where I feel like an observer within my own body! Other times I have resorted to pretending to be someone else to try and avoid the feelings. I like to think of it as segmenting my personality. There are parts of me that are better at handling certain situations and emotions than other parts. {Don't know if this will make sense to anyone}

When the anxiety or fear becomes to great, I often break down crying. Every time that happens I wind up feeling so weak, feeling like a failure! I hear my mom telling me not to cry but to have faith. It doesn't help because I can not change how my body is reacting.

My family does not understand and I can't explain it to them. Every time I try they just keep suggesting prayer and faith or make suggestions that don't help, I have tried. Of course, I don't truly understand it either and that makes it harder to explain, especially to people who have never gone through it.

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