The Festering Secret!

This is probably the hardest blog I have written, so far. It will be about an incident of Sexual abuse that I have rarely shared, one that is barely acknowledged by anyone I know and one that has never been fully faced or discussed ( although I tried). Need to say right off the bat - "I am very afraid of the consequences of writing this". However, it has been a secret kept too long and I need to get it out!

First off, there has been a long history of sexual abuse in my family background. It is not my place to share details of the events that occurred to others. I have written about some events from my childhood before. This particular event happened when I was around 13 years old.

My mother and father were separated and my mother was dating. On this particular night she had gone out drinking. It was quite late when she returned, with a guy. However, I was still awake and decided to wish her good night. So, I knocked on her bedroom door and she said "Come in". Not really thinking I did enter her bedroom. Much to my surprise their was a "man" in bed with her. Quickly, I said "I just wanted to say Good night" and turned to leave. To which my mom replied, "Aren't you going to give me a hug and kiss?" I turned back and looked at her with a questioning expression and she said "It's Okay, No need to be afraid".

If only I had just walked out, things would have wound up much differently. Instead, I went over to the bed, bent down and kissed and hugged my mom. As I went to stand up the "man" reached over, grabbed my arm and said, "What about me, sweetie?" I looked at mom and she just smiled back. I could smell the alcohol on their breathes but he wouldn't let go of my arm, so I bent over a little and he pulled me into the bed.

Now what I remember next is like a bad dream because I sent my mind off to the corner I usually sent it too when things went really wrong. I remember him undressing me and my mom just lying there next to us. I remember him on top of me and the smell of the alcohol being so strong. I remember praying my mom would do something, anything to stop it but she just laid there stroking his back and allowing him to do whatever he wanted. I remember him kissing my mom while having sex with me and me just lying there waiting for it to be over!

When he roiled off of me, I quickly got out of the bed, left the bedroom and went to my room. I don't remember crying, all I remember is feeling so lost and angry at myself!
I remember shortly after this my mom stopped drinking for good. She is still sober!

I still blame myself! After all, I was old enough to know better, strong enough to fight and stupid enough to enter the room in the first place! I have talked with my mom about this. I never get anywhere, I am always left feeling lost and sad. I am not sure if she even "really" remembers it, perhaps she blacked it out! I have never got an honest apology, instead getting only excuses.

It does leave me feeling lost still. The pain is still great and the forgiveness for myself is not there. Mostly, I think it has seriously effected my inner ability to trust anyone.

It took me over a week to finish writing this.


ChurchPunkMom said...

I'm so proud of you for writing it out. It was not your fault at all. You were most definitely not stupid. You were a child who was confused and was manipulated and taken advantage of by adults who should have been doing exactly the opposite. What a horrible betrayal by your own mother! My heart breaks for you.

I'm so sorry.

*big hugs*

Doreen said...

I'm sorry that happened to you Dot.
you're not stupid - it's not your fault. your mom and the man is to blame.

Dot Jay said...

I do not think of myself as a child at 13 years old. Growing up I had a lot of responsibility for looking after my younger brother. I felt grown up, for so many reasons including the event I mentioned in another blog.

I appreciate your comments and support! I only wish I could forgive myself.