Sexual Abuse In My Life

There are many instances of sexual abuse in my life. Starting at age 4 or 5 and continuing until age 25. This has been a difficult journey for me. It skewed my view of love and relationships to the point where I just gave up on ever forming a relationship with anyone! Even friendship with others has been effected. I think it is impossible for me to form a friendship with men.

Yes, I know many others have gone through similar things and just bottle it up, shove it down and think they have overcome it. They are just fooling themselves! The kind of emotional turmoil and mental problems caused by sexual abuse are often not even recognized by those who do not wish to deal with it in their past. Keep it bottled up long enough and it will start to cause physical health problems!

I've been sexually abused by family, friends, a husband and strangers. I will not be specific or name perpetrators on a public website. I have even abused a family member:(
I have tried over the last 25 years, since I started remembering, to talk to many of the people who sexually abused me. Some have passed away and I never got the chance to. I can tell you I have found little hope or satisfaction from this. No apologies have ever been forthcoming, just excuses. I understand some of the excuses; but, I apologized to the person I abused. They even said I didn't need too because they understood, somewhat. However, I still apologize.

I will willing share with those who ask in private. Those who I know care! I shared part of my story with one person only to have them try to tell Suzy they went through the same thing. I feel they were lying! It has happened in the past when I shared that someone else has claimed my life experience to be theirs and then turned out to be a lie. I think others who claim to have gone through it but show no emotions or effects have either shut down or are lying. This type of sexual abuse history is bound to leave a mark on someone, even if they are good at hiding it!

The sexual abuse in my life is only part of my story and only contributes to part of my "problems". I do suffer from Mental illnesses, they run rampant in my family history, part genetic, part learned behaviours. I am honest about everything and resent the fact that others say I am not!

Even given all I have gone through with in life, I know I am a much better and stronger person than some!