My Alcoholism

The type of alcoholic I am is a person who does not have to drink or crave drink, in a certain time period; but, An alcoholic that once they start drinking can not stop until I run out of alcohol, pass out or blackout!

I started drinking when I was a child, not sure how young, as my memory sucks; but, I'm pretty sure it was very young because it was before we moved from the "old house" { a put together place making 2 bedrooms from sheds added onto a "cabin"} to the "new house" { a house brought out to the farm by my parents that had 3 bedrooms} which occurred when I was 7 or 8. My alcohol consumption as a young child consisted of sneaking drinks from the grown ups any time there was a get together or party.

The first time I remember getting totally bombed I was probably 9 or 10. My uncle caught me sneaking drinks and took me into his camper where he gave me a bottle of Baby Duck wine; which I proceeded to drink all on my own. I had almost finished it when my mother found me and was very drunk. She forced me to eat soup, which I threw up, and then I passed out! From that event on, I kept drinking whatever I could get my hand on, whenever I could, until I would pass out. I never actually bought alcohol until I was a teenager and could either "chip in" to buy it or buy it from others. I had realized by then that I did have a "problem" with drinking because I knew my parents were alcoholics.(see older blog)

I stopped all drinking when I was 16, for almost 3 years. Then I joined the Canadian military. On my 19th birthday I experienced my first blackout (at least the first one I can recall) when I drank a mixture of alcoholic drinks throughout the evening and night until someone returned me to the base. Sure, I remembered bits and pieces but to this day I have no idea how much I actually drank or who took me "home". It did not stop me from drinking but did slow me down for a few months. Then I had my second blackout! I do know I had sex with someone during that blackout but do not know who and neither do I remember how I got back to my barracks. Only one month later, I had my third blackout! I lost all knowledge of what happened that night and it did scare the crap out of me! Enough to make me limit my drinking to 2, which I found out I could, for years!

I discovered through limits imposed by accessibility that I can have 2 drinks and quit, if it is hard liquor, but I can not have any beer and quit. Anything over 2 drinks or any beer or wine and I will continue to drink until I pass out! When I am drunk I know I do and say things which I would absolutely not when sober. Therefor, I do try not to drink; but, due to anxiety and a desire to socialize, even though I'm not sure how to, I often find myself drinking when others around me are. I don't usually drink when I am alone and have only done so a few times recently because the alcohol is there and I just crave the temporary calm or numbness it can bring.

Anyways, that's pretty much my alcoholism summed up in as few words as I can.

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